I remember the words very clearly "she only spent time with you to get away from me."
Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my mom. I loved it. We would spend Saturdays or Sundays running errands and grabbing lunch, and it was a day I looked forward to. These errands were small things like going to bath and body to use the free lotion coupon that came in the mail that week or maybe going to kohls. We only spent a little money while we were out; it was just about being together and drinking Starbucks while we did it.
As I got older, we stopped hanging out; my mom and I, it wasn't my choice. I can almost pinpoint the day my mom stopped wanting to spend time with me willingly. Our weekly trip to the store and lunch turned into me asking her monthly to grab lunch or do something, ANYTHING. I remember being upset because I didn't know what had changed.
What had I done?
Why didn't she want to spend time with me anymore?
It wasn't until a couple of months later when I mentioned to someone that she didn't ever have time to hang out, that I heard the quote above. They have run through my head ever since.
There have been times I believed them, and other times I didn't, but for many years after I heard those words, I felt them for every second of every day. I cried a lot around that time; everything had changed. I remember thinking that I wished my parents didn't get divorced because even though it wasn't good before, I still had my mom; now, I had no one.
I've always had a feeling of wanting people to want to be around me. I don't want people in my life out of obligation or because it's convenient at that time; what happens when they find someone better? I found in my early 20s that if I feel someone is only around due to obligation and not pure will, I tend to pull away to protect myself from being hurt. Letting people into my life is rare, and I am very cautious of who I spend my time with—the more people in your life, the more people that will leave without reason.
Since being married it's easy for me to fall into the spiraling mindset that he's only with me out of obligation. Sometimes I don't feel like a priority or like there is no time for me; questions run through my head, such as, will he leave when he finds someone better? Yea, I know what you're thinking; he married you; why would he do that out of obligation? Why go through the hassle of getting married just because? Sadly, my overthinking mindset never fails to remind me that a lot of people get married, a lot of people cheat, and a lot of people get divorced. What is stopping him? Since being married, I have gotten better at being alone and dealing with these thoughts, but they still creep in at low points in my life. These thoughts typically creep in after losing someone I was close to and trusted. It isn't fair to my husband, and it's not fair to our marriage.
I keep asking myself how to stop replaying those words in my head. How do I stop feeling like someone is always going to leave? While I haven't mastered how to shake these thoughts or how to forget things from the past, I have found ways to minimize the pain felt when they come to the surface.
When I feel like I have no one, I pray. I pray for guidance. I pray for healing from the past and growth in the future. I pray that my marriage is God-centered and that I can give grace and love as Jesus has shown me. I listen to worship music when I am alone, and my head gets flooded with thoughts that I can't shake because these thoughts aren't from God. Lastly, I read my declarations and verses to remind myself that I am not alone because I am a child of God.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Christ Jesus - Philippians 4:6-7